I actually had no idea what he was thinking, but I was aware of a behavioural change and based on what I perceived, I made up a story about it. “His energy is really heavy,” I told myself, and this is spoiling the walk.
There was now the beginning of a sinking feeling inside. We kept walking along the path with the river silently flowing by a few metres away. I tried to make conversation and was only getting monosyllabic replies to my comments. A lead like weight at the pit of my stomach was slowly pulling me down.
It was an unusually sunny day for October. The trees with autumn colours of yellow, gold and auburn looked magnificent and the scenery was very charming. I became even more aware of the outside sunniness and my sinking into dark glumness.
Noticing this, I abruptly stopped for a few moments. “What is happening here”, I pondered. Suddenly a realisation came...that I was creating the heaviness myself. How could that be true?
The moment I thought that his energy was heavy, this thought was translated by my system into the embodied sinking heaviness.
This story about heavy energy was taking me into a drama state. I was feeling that I'm okay and that he wasn't okay because he had spoiled the walk. All of this was being made up in my mind because my desired outcome (a calming and enjoyable walk) was being sabotaged. I was not getting what I desired.
Conflict and drama tends to take place when we are not getting what we want.
There is a model called Drama to Karma (Caitlin Walker) which explains this beautifully. By thinking that his energy was heavy, I had become the Persecutor on the drama triangle and blaming him for something I didn't like – lack of engagement, sabotage and heaviness.
As soon as I was aware of the sinking feeling inside, I started to feel like a Victim. I'm trying to make things light here but it's no use. He won't cooperate so I can't be relaxed ans have fun now.
And then, I turned into the Rescuer hell bent on saving the situation by making conversation. And, because he's no longer saying much I have to keep the conversation going and it's hard work as I'm being blocked with one word answers and I'm always the one who has to make an effort. Drama...drama...drama...
When people are engaged in a drama situation, they can shift positions very quickly even though nothing has actually changed and can become locked in a repeating, often unconscious, cycle of drama.
Can you relate to this scenario? Drama situations can repeat over and over again creating strong neural pathways in the mind-body system that turn the drama into habitual ways of thinking, behaving and being.
The mind makes connections with and spirals through many, many other associated dramas and episodes that haven't worked in the past and the person/group/situation can become almost like a demon. This demonising thinking can go on for hours, days, weeks, years... It's like being victimised by your own thoughts and behaviours!
Knowing that thoughts trigger emotions, I mused about this 'aha' revelation. Stopping broke my train of thoughts. A reality check was required: What was actually happening?
Answer: I was making myself feel miserable. My thoughts were creating my undesirable feelings. Mine and mine alone. Now I had taken responsibility for my feelings.
I recognised that I was getting into drama and knew that I was at a decision point; that I had a choice about how I was feeling. “What do I want to have happen, now?”, I asked myself doing some self-coaching using one of David Grove's Clean Language questions.
This question allowed me to consider the outcome that I wanted. I was feeling light-hearted and jovial when I started the walk and that's how I want to be now, I decided.
So, I took action by shifting my attention to the river and gazed at it as I walked along. I love looking at water and within a few seconds I started to feel lighter again. I looked at the trees and wallowed in the feeling of the warm sun on my skin. I listened to the birdsong. I smiled to myself and continued to walk in silence – no more trying to rescue the situation. I was now present with the teeming nature around me. I felt calm and energised again.
In your family, at work, in relationships with friends and encounters with strangers, drama takes place because different people want different things and perceive things in their unique way.
Christmas is around the corner and as you get together with family and friends, drama can easily ignite like a fire. Here are three things on a change cycle that you can do to make a shift:
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Take a step back and consider what is actually happening – who is persecuting, being a victim or the rescuer? What role are you playing?
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Decide what outcome you would like – What would you like to have happen? And, can you have what you want?
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What small action step can you take to move you to your outcome?
Starting in January, I'll be running another 6-week Clarity and Confidence and Focused Direction Breakthrough Programme to help you set yourself up for a successful 2019 and beyond. You'll discover how to move from problem to outcomes and use Clean questions and goal setting to turn your actions into the reality you desire for 2019. You'll also identify your #1 challenge that can keep you stuck, how you can be guided by your purpose code instead and much more...
If you want your new year to sparkle rather that be dim and feel called to join me for this in-person programme starting on the 6th January, 2019 ( six, three hour sessions). Special Christmas early bird offer expires New Year's Eve, 31st December, 2018. Please go here for more information.
