What do you do when something goes wrong – do you blame someone else? When something goes wrong, we are not getting what we want or things are not working well a common reaction is that someone's to blame and it's not me. We start to operate from a position where we are right and we find evidence that supports and justifies our position.
I noticed this recently as a disagreement with a friend was being played out. We were making statements like:
“ You just wanted to do it your way...”
“I made a special effort to provide lunch and now you've spoiled it all...”
“ It was dark and I was tired and your energy was stressing me out...”
“Your inner child didn't want to do it and so...”
“Stop giving your opinion when I've not asked for it...”
Blame was unconsciously being meted out. It wasn't me who caused this conflict, it was you. Can you relate to this?
I like to trace the root of words and according to the Online Etymology dictionary, blame means to "find fault with" (as opposed to praise, commend); to "lay responsibility on for something deemed wrong," from French blasmer/blâmer "to rebuke, reprimand, condemn, criticize," from Latin blastemare/blasphemare" to blaspheme, to speak lightly or amiss of God or sacred things," which also had a sense of "revile, reproach"
I admit that at first, this conflict created a very strong emotional reaction in me. My mind went into over-drive, tossing and turning over words and scenarios and making quite amazing connections to situations that were long gone.
Interestingly, the brain has rules for dealing with intense emotional experiences. which Bruce Ecker, Robin Ticic and Laurel Hulley in “Unlocking the Emotional Brain” call emotional learning.
When we react to a situation with intense emotions, it triggers danger to our system and this danger signal passes straight to the part of our brain that is wired for survival bypassing the part of the brain that deals with planning, pattern detection, perception and attention.
The key point is that this danger signal is stored in implicit memory but the reason for the danger is not registered. It is a survival strategy intended to keep us safe by producing an instant reaction to perceived threat. The problem is that after the event, these emotional learnings work unconsciously. We react to a situation with fear, rage and repulsion but we do not know why.
Your disagreement with your friend, spouse, partner, children, boss can create danger signals in your system and you're not sure why you are so upset and in drama.
I saw this on a poster a few weeks ago in India at the Isha Yoga Centre in Coimbatore. It said:
“When you play drama
You will get karma (by Sadhguru)”
The mind is deeply, deeply conditioned by past activities and actions. Karma means action and our actions and activities create different experiences, which have natural consequences.
Blame and disagreements are often fuelled by strong likes, dislikes, beliefs and values and these, mostly unconsciously, rule the way that we perceive, understand and experience life.
We all have different expectations and models of the world and each other and how things should work and when these are not being met conflict often occurs.
Caitlin Walker ('From Contempt to Curiosity: creating the conditions for groups to collaborate') says that when we think that a reaction, an attitude, a person or group of people are unacceptable as they are, that is 'contempt'. And when we are noticing how things are, wondering how they've come to be like this and what we might like to have happen next or instead that is curiosity.
Curiosity is important because deep learning takes place when you stay curious about what you don't understand and ask questions rather than wading in and deciding how others should change.
Eric Berne initiated the principle in Transactional Analysis that we are all born 'OK'. That is worthy and whole. This was developed by Frank Ernst into the OK Matrix.
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I'm not OK, You're OK |
I'm OK, You're OK |
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I'm not OK, You're not OK |
I'm OK, You're not OK |
We are striving for the I'm OK, you're OK position.
In conflict situations blame is prevalent, but something that has stuck with me since my Institute of Leadership and Management coaching training (with Training Attention) is that we are 50% responsible for our part when something goes wrong. Michael Mallows, one of the trainers, would say that we need to take 100% responsibility for our 50% contribution to the situation. This makes us accountable and responsible for our actions and behaviours.
Taking responsibility means that we must get curious enough to ask questions. What could be happening here? How have I contributed? What have I learned? What do I want to have happen next?
Caitlin Walker has developed a Curiosity Model with three steps that is helpful for shifting out of blame and conflict and towards a desired outcome. It consists of three steps:
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Desired Outcome – What do you want to have happen?
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Take action - one step at a time (the smallest step towards the outcome).
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Feedback: what's been learned – identifying the evidence, inferences made and the impact of action or inaction
This process helps us to take responsibility for our actions rather than blame others. Responsibility is made up of response and ability. One of my favourite affirmations is 'My ability to respond is limitless, if I am willing I can respond to everything'.
I made it up based on a chapter in Sadhguru's 'Inner Engineering' book. I like it because it captures behavioural flexibility. This is similar to the Curiosity Model. They are both ways of creating shift and opening up new possibilities.
From a yoga perspective, when we experience everything the way it is without liking or disliking it and are in a state of acceptance, karma (actions that are deeply engrained) collapses. Blame represents resistance to what is and acceptance allows us to imbibe and experience as much of life as possible.
When I first came across karma it struck me as rather fatalistic - what goes around comes around. It tended to be used in a very judgemental way – your bad actions will come to haunt you and serves you right.
But karma is really about responsibility. It's accepting that your actions create consequences or results. . It's saying that your life or actions are your doing (not fatalism) and you can create your life as you want it.
Karma is completely taking charge of your life and becoming the master of your destiny. It's coming to the realisation that whatever your actions are and their outcomes, you are OK and I'm also OK, too. It's taking responsibility rather than blaming.
This creates the freedom for us to update our life stories and change our mental and behavioural patterns especially those that are not serving us any more.
The late David Grove who created Clean Language, Clean Space and Emergent Knowledge processes said:
“Once we pay due diligence to all the various parts of your clients, those parts could confess their strengths and be released from their roles. This then enables clients to reorganise their experiences and their responses to it, which allows them to manifest new behaviours and new experiences in the world.”
If you have deep rooted conditioning and behaviours that you would like to change so
you can take charge of your life, make shifts and create new possibilities, I invite you to click here to discover how my 6-week Shift, Clarity, Purpose and New Direction Programme can help.
